Xyloryctes Jamaicensis
by Tek Sonay
Summary: Outside the gates of Konoha . . . Naruto has recieved a special assignment from Tsunade, and he does NOT find it amusing.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Don't let the title fool you - I speak English. :) Actually, the title is the scientific term for a creature in this story. You should look it up, but good luck pronouncing it! **

**I really don't remember why I started writing this story, but every time I think about it, it makes me smile. I hope it does the same for you!**

**Disclaimer: I'd like to see you try to keep Naruto on a leash.**

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_"Xyloryctes Jamaicensis"_

**Chapter One**

Naruto grinned cheerfully at them.

"Well? Whadaya think?"

Sasuke, Neji, and Gaara blinked down at the odd little creature on the end of Naruto's leash. It ignored them as it meandered about, exploring the grass beneath it. The sun glinted off its broad back in an array of colors as it contentedly soaked in the warmth.

Sasuke shook his head in bewilderment. "So . . . what did you call it again?"

Naruto hopped in exasperation. "Gaaah! I just told you! Sheesh, do you have rocks in your head?" He braced a cocky fist on his hip and leaned forward, punctuating each syllable as if speaking to a small child. "It's a rhi-no-cer-os bee-tle."

Neji set his ivory eyes on the blonde haired ninja. "From dogs to this? How degrading."

"Hey! I'll have you know this is a very important mission!" Naruto exclaimed. "Tsunade _herself _gave it to me, so ha-ha and poo to you!" He stuck his tongue out at him.

Sasuke shoved his hands deep in his pockets and rolled his eyes. "You are such a loser. Can't you see that bug was just an excuse to get rid of you?"

Naruto abruptly pulled his tongue back in his mouth.

"Huh?" He glanced down with wide blue eyes at the roaming rhinoceros beetle. It paused some feet away to wave its small yet deadly looking pincers at him before continuing its pace. Naruto tilted his head as he studied it. It _had _seemed kind of strange to be assigned to walk a beetle, but . . . no, he couldn't believe that was all there was to it.

He swiveled back towards them. "No way! A mission to walk a beetle? It's just too odd to be a simple distraction!"

The wheels of his mind began to turn. He walked over and squatted down in front of the beetle. His eyes narrowed.

Neji and Sasuke exchanged a look.

Gaara, who hadn't spoken, would have cocked an eyebrow if he had had one. What was he doing?

Naruto tried to look the bug in the eye but failed miserably. He had no clue where its eyes _were_, so he decided to settle for glaring at its back. It seemed like a good place to stare.

"All right," he growled, "the game's over, so show yourself!"

Silence met him, from that of the beetle as well as his friends. He shifted his weight slightly under the late afternoon sun. This was going to be more difficult than he thought.

"Look," he tried again, "it's no secret to us. We all know you're really a ninja, so you can quit wasting chakra on that transformation jutsu and state your purpose!"

"Naruto!" Neji swiftly cut in before the blonde could continue. "Naruto, I must insist you stop this nonsense. It is obviously just an insect, and besides . . . people are staring."

It was true. They stood just outside the gates of Konoha, the Village Hidden in the Leaves. A lazy trickle of people passed in and out of the village, and some turned their heads to gaze with curiosity at the odd group of teens. They found it strange that three of them had similar bored expressions, and a fourth had a beetle on a leash . . . and was talking to it.

Naruto shrugged.

"So what? I'm used to it." He pushed to his feet, keeping a watchful eye on the rhinoceros beetle and a firm grip on the leash. "Let 'em look! We need the witnesses anyway."

Gaara crossed his arms and leaned against a tree. "And why would you need witnesses, Naruto Uzumaki?"

Neji and Sasuke turned to intently study Naruto.

Off in the distance, from the vast forest surrounding Konoha, the sweet twitters of a solitary bird reached their ears. A warm breeze ruffled their hair as they waited for the blonde ninja's answer.

He gave them a toothy grin.

"Uh . . . I dunno. It sounded awesome, though!"

The other three sighed in exasperation at his response. They should have expected no less from him.

Neji, quite annoyed, ran his fingers through his long, silky brown hair. This situation was getting more irritating by the minute. He had hoped to get out of there before dark, but he hated leaving things unresolved.

"I'm telling you, he's suspicious!" Naruto declared, holding the leash a safe distance from himself. He was at it again.

Sasuke's dark eyes veiled hidden mirth.

"So it's a 'he' now? Very interesting . . ."

"Well, bugs have feelings, too, so — hey, I think I get it now!"

"Of course. Whatever."

"No, really!" He turned and walked over to the wandering rhinoceros beetle. Then, crouching down, he began to loosen its leash.

Neji arched a brow.

"Are you sure that is wise?"

Naruto was slipping the leash over its head when it smartly nipped his hand with its pinchers. He sprung back.

"YOWCH!" He scowled down at the insect. "Hey! Whadya do that for?!"

Gaara gazed steadily at him.

"I'd be wary if I were you," he advised in his even voice. "Remember, Tsunade told you to guard it with your life."

"Yeah, well he hardly deserves it!" he grunted, jumping to his feet. "Exo-skeleton here needs to cool down!"

"The same could be said about you," smirked Sasuke.

The offended merely harrumphed and turned his back on the vile creature.

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Shikamaru sighed as he strolled through the trees. He supposed he could flash-step to the gates of Konoha, but then again, that would require more work. The birds were singing as they usually did, the sun was ebbing right on schedule, and even the breezes carried no traces of unpleasantries. To deny the simple beauty the day offered would be most vile. He slowed down his pace further to immerse himself in the golden afternoon, finding it too perfectly normal to ruin.

His aura of laziness was slightly interrupted when he came upon a large towering oak. It was rooted in such a way that the path cleaved to the left and right of it, through the underbrush, to join back again as one on the other side.

Shikamaru heaved a sigh and stared up at the tree, vaguely noticing how its boughs stretched expansively across the sky.

"I don't suppose you would mind moving?" he drawled expectantly. A breeze stirred the leaves seemingly in answer. They looked like glittering emerald gems.

The tree did not move.

Shikamaru thought this might happen. He wondered why he had asked in the first place. There were several options. He could turn around and go back the way he came, but the purpose of even coming that way would be defeated. A second option was to climb the tree, but he brushed that idea away immediately: _way _too much work. The only options he had left were to stay where he was, staring up at it, or walk around it.

So he just stayed where he was and stared.

And stared.

And stared some more.

Soon craning his neck became rather bothersome.

"Oh well," he finally yielded, and he trudged down the left path.

Once he cleared the large oak and joined the main path, he felt the sweet esscence of normality return. Up ahead through the trees, the gates of Konoha could be seen. The path led right next to them.

Shikamaru took advantage of the proximity to gaze up at the sky. Blue peeped in and out of the clustered leaves as he walked. He tried to catch a glimpse of any fluffy white clouds, for an afternoon could not complete without fluffy white clouds.

So intent was his study that he failed to notice he had come to his destination. His path ran alongside the wall, and soon the gate appeared. In fact, he walked right past Gaara, who was still leaning against the tree. The clearing revealed the sky, whole and blue, and it was dotted with clouds — fluffy, white clouds.

He could not take his eyes off them.

Naruto was up ahead, fervently arguing his point with Sasuke and Neji. Their voices came faintly to his ears, but he subconsciously pushed them away, wishing nothing to disturb him. He lifted his foot to take another step.

Naruto caught sight of him and waved with a grin. "Oh! Hey, Shika —"

**_'CRRUUUUNCH!!'_**

They all froze.

The forest itself seemed to still at the horrible sound. Shikamaru felt sweat bead on his brow as a chilling shudder went through his body, beginning from the sole of his foot. _What . . . was . . .?_

Sasuke and Neji winced.

Gaara blinked but once.

The expression of pure horror on Naruto's face was unmistakable.

"_NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"_


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Sometimes, you just have to write when you feel like it.**

**Disclaimer: I could joke around and say, 'Haha, I own this,' but then I'd get arrested. I don't own Naruto.**

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_"Xyloryctes Jamaicensis"_

**Chapter 2**

Naruto dropped to his knees as if something large had sat on him. Trembling fingers groped at the grass beneath them, and he shook his head slowly repeating one word over and over.

"Why . . . why . . . _why_ . . . ?"

Shikamaru painstakingly lifted his foot and examined the mess with disgust. "Aw, great, now I have to get a new pair of shoes. There's no way this bug juice is ever coming out."

"Hmm . . . Well, if that's the case . . . " Neji crouched down in front of him and dug out a kunai, holding it steadily in his hand. "Might I remove the sole of your damaged shoe? It will help me transport the eliminated beetle, which I have heard tastes quite good in a rice ball."

"No kidding, huh?" Sasuke remarked, stepping forward. "I've always been told they make a great add-in for ramen. Of course, I expected Naruto here to beat me to it, considering how that's his arena. But, seeing that he's not moving, would you care to share half?"

"Not at all," Neji replied, "That is, if I can discern half."

Gaara's black-rimmed eyes widened slightly. "Interesting customs you have here . . ."

"Ones _I've _never heard of." Shikamaru sighed and leaned down to ease off his shoe, careful not to get any of the mess on his fingers. Some plopped to the ground, a piece of exoskeleton poking out like the flag of a defeated warlord. He drew back a little. "Man, that's rough."

"You . . . you guys are sick, you know that?" Naruto's fingers curled tightly into fists. He straightened, teeth clenched, and a dangerous light was in his eye. "This is a ninja we're talking about! Eating him would be, like, cannibalism!"

"Even you should know the jutsu would wear off once he was killed," Neji admonished, "proving this was obviously just a rhinoceros beetle."

"Yeah, well, so what? So what if it was just a beetle?" Naruto growled. He shoved himself to his feet and glared at every one of them. "Ninja or not, that little creature underfoot had feelings! He could have had a family, or a dream to fulfill. And look at you, you don't even care!"

"Of course not," Neji sighed, "It would be a waste of time to concern ourselves with such matters. Besides, regardless to the fact is even _had _such characteristics, we did not understand it. Therefore, _because _we did not understand it, we can eat it."

They all went rather silent. After a moment, Sasuke turned and looked strangely at Neji.

"Then . . . wouldn't we have eaten Naruto by now?"

"HEY! Not funny!" Naruto snapped indignantly.

"Well, before you begin your meal, I suggest Naruto report to Lady Tsunade," Gaara interrupted. He set his hard gaze on the addressed. "There is the small matter of your mission to discuss. You were to protect the insect with your life. It died. You fail."

"Wha — bu— ?" Naruto glanced frantically around, desperately latching onto a target. "But I didn't do it! Shikamaru's the one who squashed it!"

All heads snapped to attention.

Shikamaru protested, "Hey, not fair Naru —"

"Don't try blaming someone else for —" Sasuke growled.

"You know you can't —" Neji began, slipping the sole of Shikamaru's shoe into a small plastic pouch.

A much reprimanded Naruto was rocked back on his heels by the sudden bombardment. His hands clapped to his head in resigned frustration. "All right! Jeez, I'm sorry, okay? You don't have to chomp my head off!"

They reluctantly backed off. Naruto let his hands fall back to his sides. "Man, it's just . . . I don't wanna face the old hag _alone_! She'll probably kill me — or worse. I could be pinky-ninjafied, or . . . or get my house taken away!" He wrapped his arms around himself at the involuntary shudder. "I don't want to end up living under a rock like Jiraiya!"

"Hey, there's no call for that!" a voice whined from a distance.

They all blinked. Naruto shivered again. "I hate it when he does that."

"Sorry I'm late," someone spoke up behind them. "I passed a field and just couldn't resist standing in it."

Naruto's ears pricked up. "Kakashi Sensei?" He started to turn. "But we're not meeting . . . Whoah! Kakashi Sensei!"

The jounin leaned back and opened his arms with fluid grace. "Well? What do you think?"

The chounin could swear his sensei was wearing burlap. A shirt of it, in fact, plaid with long loose sleeves tied with slack ropes at the wrists. He wore a pair of worn jeans frayed at the ends, and random patches were sewn all over them. A straw hat perched atop his head, but the best part was the hay. It was _everywhere_, poking out his sleeves, his collar, the top of his boots, even under his hat.

Kakashi scratched at the back of his neck. "Man, this stuff itches. Hmm . . . I know . . ." He reached out and sprinkled some hay on Naruto's head. "There you go," he said, making that happy eye crinkle.

Naruto made a face and swiped at it. "Yeah, so like, what are you all dressed up for, Kakashi Sensei?"

"Oh, you don't know?" the jounin asked, seeming mildly surprised. "Why, it's sensei dress-up day. We're all supposed to dress according to the meaning of our names. My name means scarecrow, so here I am."

Naruto stared at him for a moment. Then he burst out laughing. "Hahaha! 'Passed a field and couldn't resist standing in it'! I get it! Good one, Kakashi Sensei! Hahaha!"

"Nice one, loser," said Sasuke dryly.

"It's quite entertaining, actually," their sensei continued. He stopped and snickered. "You should see Iruka — his name means dolphin."

That gave Sasuke pause. Even _he _had trouble maintaining his stoic facade at the image of Iruka waving those fins around.

Kakashi looked to Shikamaru to see if he wanted to know what Asuma looked like. Shikamaru stuffed his hands in his pockets and shrugged.

"I'm okay with _not _knowing."

Then Neji made eye contact. He and Kakashi locked gazes for a moment. Then they swiftly looked away with a chill in their spines. _Gai._

Gaara did not ask.

"But why are you _here_?" Naruto managed to ask, decently calm but for a trace of giggles.

Kakashi took a thoughtful stance. It looked ridiculous with the scarecrow costume.

"Well . . . I had some questions after first spotting you due to the commotion. Hmm . . . let's see. Ah, question one." He gestured toward Neji. "What grotesque object could be in the bag Neji is holding? Question two . . ." He nodded at Shikamaru. "Why is Shikamaru missing a shoe? And for question three . . . Why is Naruto holding an empty leash?"

The blonde glanced down. "Oh, this?" he laughed nervously, twisting it in his hands. "Nah, don't be ridiculous. It's, uh, a training rope! See? Sasuke, react!" He flash-stepped to the left and flicked the leash towards him.

Sasuke was slow to react. It smacked him flat on the side of the head.

"Gah! . . . _Naruto_!"

Naruto tried to slip away. "Heh heh . . . you were, uh, too slow, Sasuke . . ."

He was stopped by a firm grip on his collar. He jerked his head up to see Kakashi shaking his straw hat dubbed noggin at him.

"Naruto, I already know about your mission."

His student blanched. "What? B-but how?"

"I'm your sensei, remember? I'm supposed to keep an eye on you. It looks to me like you messed up big time on this one." He waved some hay at Neji while Naruto stuttered. "Is that what's left of the rhinoceros beetle?"

Neji nodded.

Kakashi gave him an approving look. "Saving it was a smart move. I hear those things taste good in a riceball."

"Sick sick _sick_!" Naruto muttered.

Kakashi tightened his grip on his collar. "All right, you, time to report to Lady Tsunade. And I don'twant a _word _about it!"

"But sensei," Naruto pleaded, "You're not . . . you're not going to make me face her _alone_, are you? Not all by myself?" He stared up at him with wide, mournful blue eyes.

Kakashi hesitated. "You know, that _would _be scary."

"She'd probably pinky-ninjafy him," Shikamaru put in with a remarkably straight face.

"Or take his house away," Neji added quite seriously.

Kakashi contemplated for a moment. "Yeah. He'd probably end up living under a rock like Jiraiya," he mused.

"Really not funny, guys!" that voice whined again from a distance.

They all froze. Kakashi shivered. "I hate it when he does that."

By this time, the sun had further progressed in its descent from the sky. The fluffy clouds had migrated far to the east. Traces of sunset hues now kissed all they could of Konoha, tugging the village towards Night's embrace. What had been a steady trickle of people passing through the gates had now become a smattering of droplets. Even most of the group's onlookers had left to head on the the safety of their homes. Some, however, still remained, hoping for some more amusing interactions between the ninjas. These were the people who first saw _her_.

The scarecrow was getting ready to drag Naruto away when she spoke.

"Hey, twerp!"

They all turned.

She placed her fist on her hip and leaned forward, head tilted and fine eyebrow cocked. "So," she said, "Where's my beetle?"


End file.
